mind matters
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Mental health has been near and dear to my heart and mind for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I had a supportive family, comfortable home, food, clothing, vacations and pets so, on the surface things were normal. However, my internal landscape was a far match to my external environment. It's important to note that our family has a history of depression, addiction and Schizophrenia so, I now understand that my predisposition was and still is a major part of my path in this life.
I was a sensitive child and my creative and vivid mind was a curse more than a blessing. At a very young age, I began to struggle heavily with night terrors, insomnia and social anxiety and in turn, developed psychosomatic side effects like digestive issues, chronic nosebleeds and skin conditions. My extreme sensitivity to the feelings and actions of others continued on into my twenties, which led to a diagnosed paralyzing generalized anxiety disorder. I struggled to speak and converse; I was afraid to be heard for I couldn't handle being fully seen. I went through periods of time be it months to, at one point a full year, of withdrawal and disassociation from my social circles, including friends and family as my nervous system couldn't handle it. Real life became a danger zone and the only place of respite was my mind. I became obsessed with my daydreams. Here in my mind was a better place to exist; a place where I could choose what happens and how I reacted. I was safe there. Instead of being addicted to the tangible substances like drugs and alcohol, I became addicted to my imagination. There was a turning point where I began to plug back into reality through sex and sexual favours. This became my new drug. For the first time I could feel something real outside of my head; I didn't have to heard or truly seen but I could for once, feel something other than the tumultuous workings of my mind. For years, I abused my body and sweet soul in more ways than I can count. There was a period where I contemplated taking my life and then inquired if I even had to guts to do it; it was all so dark. Underneath it all, I just wanted to get out. I so badly wanted to ask for help but felt ashamed as I didn't have anything or anyone to blame.
Today, I can say that the practice of yoga and somatic movement has saved my life. Truly. These practices have held space for me to feel into my body being breathed, empowered and alive. These practices have helped me to inquire into something greater than my mind or physical circumstance. To this, I am forever changed. My path today is to dissolve the segregation that can and does exist between our soul's experience, be it touchable or imagined. My intention is to create an awareness around the feelings and emotions that connect us all, birthing an 'open-armed' healing opportunity for every Body.
The part of me that struggles still exists and I still feel into her everyday. She often reminds me of how far I have come and is consistently nudging me further into the teacher that I am today. It's a beautiful thing when your struggle becomes your passion and light. I whole-heartedly believe this to be true for myself and hope that I can be the light for others on this journey.
